SAFE Unveils #UMMolest

Last night, the BDS resolution proposed by Students Allied for Freedom and Equality (SAFE) failed to pass Central Student Government for the second year in a row. The proposal petitioned the University to boycott, divest from, and sanction (BDS) companies involved in commercial affairs with Israel.

After a long-fought #UMDivest campaign that resulted in 25 CSG representatives voting against and 15 in favor of its resolution, SAFE has announced that it will be overhauling its name and strategy: #UMMolest.

SAFE announces new initiative (Twitter)

Now SAFE will be pursuing BDSM: Boycott, Divest, Sanctions and Masochism. The change in strategy is due to the overwhelming loss at last night’s vote and urgency to support Palestinian human rights through not only divestiture, but also erotic acts of domination and submission.

“If we can’t use student government as a platform to initiate change, maybe we can do so through sexual dominance and abuse all around campus,” said BDSM activist Ali Ibn Baba. “When students misbehave, the best way to control them is always to spank them, slap them around a little, you know?”

“We will use leather straps to spank students into submission. Then maybe they’ll think twice about that evil empire Israel,” explained Ibn Baba. “We also may use rope and hog-ties.”

SAFE’s inspiration for the new movement comes from the recent novel by E.L. James, 50 Shades of Grey. Ibn Baba went on to explain how the protagonist, Christian Grey embodies the “pervasive patronizing patriarchy” of Zionists on campus, and that SAFE seeks to reverse this power dynamic through the use of sexual masochism in a retaliatory fashion. “If the Central Student Government isn’t responsive to our rhetoric against Zionism, then why not put all options on the table?”

“Palestinian human rights are constantly in bondage,” a spokesperson for SAFE told the Review. “So let’s fight bondage with bondage.”

BDSM advocates plan on making posters and banners to put around campus in addition to hosting a speak-out event called 50 Shades of the IDF, in which they will carry out acts of sexual deviance instead of acting as Israeli soldiers at checkpoints. “The hope is that students will finally understand that Zionists, just like Christian Grey in E.L. James’ book, are the dominant patriarchy, and that Palestinians are nothing more than meek victims, like Grey’s slave, Anastasia,” the spokesperson explained.

“The BDSM movement is just the first step in slapping Israel right off the map,” he added. “First we tie them up, then we blind-fold them, then we spank ‘em…then they’ll know how oppressed we feel.”

When asked about ISIS and the countless acts of violence occurring in the Middle East, the SAFE activist reminded the Review that ISIS already had sex slaves.

“It would kind of take the creative spin off the #UMMolest movement to mock ISIS for something they’re already doing,” he admitted. “So we’d rather focus on Israel.”

Pro-Israel students don’t seem worried though, citing the absurdity of the campaign from the beginning.

“They get more extreme and absurd every year. At this point it’s just like whatevs,” said an unenthused Ari Gold, a business student from New York.

The latest development in the #UMMolest movement is SAFE’s brand new Edward Said BDSM lounge. Activists assure us that the lounge, inspired by Christian Grey’s playroom, will be a safe and inclusive space for all students.

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