Pope Francis issued an unexpected apostolic exhortation today titled Merdae Cumulus. The exhortation may be the most momentous action coming from the Seat of Peter in recorded history.
Beginning with Church appointments and new canonizations; after the Holy See’s most recent debacle with the Sovereign Military Order of Malta, Pope Francis decided to remove Albrecht Freiherr von Boeselager from his position as Grand Chancellor of the Order in favor of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who Francis referred to as “a true warrior, a worthy heir for a position occupied by great Christian knights of old.” In addition to this appointment, Francis revealed the future pronouncement that Joel Olsteen is to be declared a Doctor of the Church upon his death, and that the seat of the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston will be relocated to Lakewood Church, known for it’s awe inspiring architectural style and it’s past function as the home of the Houston Rockets.
The bulk of the exhortation is composed of a string of admissions, concessions, apologies, and affirmations composed by the Holy Father. Perhaps the most exciting is an admission of the superiority of the Protestant movement started in the 16th century by the newly canonized Martin Luther. In the document, Francis states: “Saint Martin Luther was correct in stating that the holy fathers have erred, that the apostles have erred, that the magisterium has erred, and that the whole church has often erred. That error ends now. The saying that the Protestant churches are where heresy goes to thrive is false; it is actually the case that the opposite is true.” In the same vein was a statement regaling that Thomas More died for nothing, and that King Henry VIII was completely justified in his legal actions and formation of the Church of England. In the same spirit of humility and unity, Francis made full concessions of past Roman Catholic assertions regarding theological differences and papal authority to all Eastern Orthodox Patriarchs; this was quickly followed by Francis’ submission to all the demands of the Society of Saint Pius X, and the return of their status to full communion with the Roman See. Both the Orthodox churches and the Society of Saint Pius X have yet to respond to our requests for comment.
Turning to more secular matters, Francis offered a renouncement of any scientific advancement brought about by Catholic clerics in addition to the disbanding of the Pontifical Academy of Sciences. He further went on to admit the superiority of Medieval and Renaissance secular justice systems to Medieval and Renaissance inquisition systems. Moving ever closer to wrongs of the present day, the Holy Father issued a formal apology for the Crusades and put forward future plans for the official ceding of any and all church property which would be within the bounds of the Umayyad Caliphate at its greatest height in the mid-8th century to the worthy Muslim authority. The Vatican is still deliberating as to whether they will transfer the properties to either the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, the Islamic Republic of Iran, or the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.
Finally, reaching matters most salient to the present state of international affairs, the Bishop of Rome issued another official apology, this time to the Russian State for the role played by Pope Saint John Paul II as a catalyst in the collapse of the Soviet Union. His Holiness concluded this most recent apostolic exhortation with a statement affirming that interpretations of his past statements made by news outlets were not misinterpretations at all; in fact they were spot on, and further issued an admission that Nietzsche was right, God is indeed dead.
-Buckley Conti Kong