(What’s Left Of) Greek Life

They only tore up a couple ski resorts, put out a video of an orgy, and roofied girls’ drinks. Come on, Schlissel. Let’s not spoil the fun.

Since Schlissel has taken office, nearly every house on campus has either been kicked off or suffered some sort of consequence. A total of 4 houses have been disbanded, and numerous others have faced consequences like probation and recruitment restrictions… How could Schlissel be so irrational! They only tore up a couple ski resorts, put out a video of an orgy, and roofied girls’ drinks. Come on, Schlissel. Let’s not spoil the fun.

The most coveted aspect of Greek Life has to be the social schedules! How can you beat the social schedules! So many mixers await! So many frat boys wanting to bring you up to their rooms with no plans to text you the next day, or ever! So many plastic vodka handles! So many sweaty basements! You can’t beat it!

And the recruitment process has really improved over the years. Hazing for frats has gotten super creative. You name it and they’ve done it! Licking chocolate sauce off of each other’s chests, shooting each other with BB guns in places you never want to be shot with anything… I’ll bet you win MVP Pledge if you come up with a better idea!

Hazing for frats has gotten super creative. You name it and they’ve done it!

Unfortunately sororities skip out on all that fun and typically don’t haze… Though if you go through recruitment, prepare to be judged like you’ve never been judged before! For no legitimate reason whatsoever, you might get cut from every sorority at the University. But don’t worry. They will all pretend to like you until you leave. Though the best part about sorority recruitment is undoubtedly the songs! Oh the songs! I’m surprised they haven’t dropped mix tapes yet because those songs are fire. But the srat stars shout them at the “potential new members” so loudly those songs will be in their heads (and the heads of everyone who resides within a mile of a sorority house) until graduation anyway, no mix tape necessary.

Most importantly, we can’t forget how much great work Greek Life does for the community… There’s Mudbowl… Where frat boys get to wrestle each other in a pit of mud for charity! And Winterfest… where frat boys get to hit each other with hockey sticks for charity! Sorority girls are also required to play on the their teams, but don’t worry, that’s typically just Greek Life trying to convince itself that it isn’t sexist and those girls won’t touch the ball. The typical sorority member only fabricates about 51% of the community service hours she documents earning. Majority rules. And then there’s always a sorority or two sitting at tables in Angell Hall promoting some cause and supposedly “making a difference.” Join Greek Life. You can “make a difference” too!

This satire piece is part of the “Welcome Back” project by Michigan Review staff writers and editors.

 

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