Welcome to Michigan!

You’re probably wondering what to expect from this university which purports to attract and create the “Leaders and Best”? Well, first off, brace yourself for … just brace yourself.

Hey you! Yes, you. You’ve just picked up a quality publication’s writing, which means you’re intelligent and have great taste. (And probably fairly attractive — see, it’s not just your mom who’s told you that now!) You’ll drunk text your high school ex at some point this year, but congratulations on making a smart choice at this moment, at least!

You’re probably wondering what to expect from this university which purports to attract and create the “Leaders and Best”? Well, first off, brace yourself for … just brace yourself.

As you pack yourself into a lecture hall like a sweaty, human sardine and try to catch the eye of that cutie in the white crop top (did you just assume in your imagination that they were a biological female who also identifies as a woman?! How dare you, you homophobic, cisnormative bigot!), all eager to learn, the prof will first give a “trigger warning,” which is done to alert you that what you are about to read or hear might make you uncomfortable and/or expand your mind. That’s super icky stuff, I know, but fear not, for campus is riddled with “safe spaces” where you can hide from the real world and all of the scary, evil opinions of the roughly 14 conservatives and libertarians you’ll (never) encounter on campus — and their insidious “Trump 2016” messages inscribed on the ground in chalk, to boot (yes, that stuff children play with; you’re not insane — [MICROAGGRESSION!] — yet).

Have you heard of Relationship Remix? No? You will soon enough. That’s where they’ll teach you (if you’re a male, that is) how not to rape a woman. Oh, you already knew innately that such an act was disgusting and should merit the death penalty? Wrong! You need to re-learn exactly what “rape” entails.

Wrong! You need to re-learn exactly what “rape” entails.

Pro-tip: If she’s been drinking, or you’ve been drinking — Hell, if even a single drop of Satan’s sweat (alcohol, for those less of a fundamentalist, Bible-thumping Christian than myself) has slid down either of your throats — do not so much as touch her with a ten foot pole. Don’t even look in her direction. Oh, you clever fiend! Surely if I am a blacked out male Amherst student and receive a blowjob from a woman, then I’m safe, you say? Nope, and the fact that you thought such a thing means that you’re a sexist misogynist whose wretched existence proves that the Patriarchy is real. Shame! Shame! Shame!

Pro-pro-tip: It may just be safer to steer clear of women for this phase of your life.

But college = freedom, so you’ll finally be able to express yourself with reckless abandon, right?! Wrong! This is where ChangeItUp! enters stage Left (get it? “Left”! Hahahaha) to ruin all your First Amendment and liberty-related fun. You see, grasshopper, microaggressions — caution: learning ahead! — are unintentional, everyday words and actions which grievously (perhaps even mortally) offend someone (read: a minority), and this, if you haven’t guessed yet, is A Very Bad Thing — perhaps even The Worst Thing Imaginable.

It’s done totally subconsciously, mind you; it’s all subjective; and it can be something as innocuous as asking someone whom you have never met (this sort of thing, believe it or not, tends to happen quite a lot in college) a basic question that up until about 17.235 seconds ago was considered appropriate for such a first-time encounter: “Hey, where are you from?”

*Sirens go off in the distance; the Apocalypse begins*

Before you start thinking that there’s simply no possible way to have fun — I mean, they already took away your right to speak your mind (which could get you sex), ask basic get-to-know-you questions (to prep for sex, of course), and sex itself, for goodness’ sakes! — there are still classes. (Okay, fine; classes aren’t fun, but bear with me.)

If that all sounds precisely like an Orwellian, dystopian hellhole, then congratulations, your reading comprehension skills and general social awareness are both light years ahead of your average Social Justice Warrior peers (you know, the ones with blue hair who voted for Bernie and think Marxism, which is directly responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people, is totally rad). They’re a riot! (As in, be careful, since they might actually start a riot because MoJo “culturally appropriated” Hispanic culture with Taco Tuesdays.)

Granted, that you’re more stable than these folks isn’t saying much, but, hey, it’s a start.

Let us know if you want to talk (mrev@umich.edu).

Welcome HoMe, kid. Go Blue!

This is the first of a series of “Welcome to Michigan” satire pieces written by Michigan Review Staff. 

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  • John Hevalicotta

    Thank you for providing a counter-swing to all this nonsense; the pendulum has been being held too far left for far too long. I work at a restaurant downtown and we were told that we must restrain our midwest accent usage of “guys”, and even “gentlemen” or “ladies” because we (heaven forbid) may offend .01% of people who walk in and identify as something they made up to be that special snowflake

  • evianalmighty

    Very Very good. Can’t wait for the storm you created to blow in.