The Perfect Novel

A group of experts have come together to create the perfect novel for a new, politically correct and morally conscious age. The experts did not wish to be named as it would publicize their success which could lead some viewers to feel inadequate for not thinking of the novel first.  Thus, their anonymity will allow everyone to believe that they too could be the experts.

The writing process began, the experts claim, when they realized that in our new, emerging understanding of morality, there was a lack of novels that properly captured the sentiment of America’s changing culture.

They began by picking a protagonist, which proved a herculean task as the experts had trouble pinning down an unproblematic hero. They couldn’t pick a boy because that would confirm the patriarchy, and they couldn’t pick a girl because it would adhere to the gender binary—and using the non-gendered child was ageist. Moving onto potential animal heroes was equally problematic because of all the social implications that came with each creature. They couldn’t choose bees for fear that a reader was a vegan, and they couldn’t choose dingoes because that would promote infanticide. It was briefly discussed having an inanimate object as the unlikely hero, but this would obviously offend the reader so this too was dismissed. In the end, the experts decided to write a story without any characters so no one would feel left out and readers could imagine themselves in the story line instead.

The setting proved the next challenge. Picking a real place would mean they were insinuated that all other places were somehow unworthy, which was obviously immoral. An imaginary place was also immoral because the mere lack of a real, tangible place also implied all the areas of the world were unworthy thus isolating the entire human population. So the experts decided the book would also be written without a setting.

The release date for the novel has yet to be set as the experts struggle to find an appropriate date; the first proposed release date of August 2nd has been contested because it is national second cousin day, which could be harmful to people whose second cousins only show up at Christmas and eat all the peanut butter cookies without asking if anyone else wants some.

With no characters and no setting, the experts decided to string together a collection of pages that would speak to the reader so they could not only imagine themselves as the agent of the story but could decide the least problematic setting on their own. Experts recommend that readers gather together with close friends to debate and discuss the given pros and cons of perspective settings, urging readers to take into consideration all the problematic aspects of any proposed setting and how their choice might affect how other people read the story.

When asked what will fill the pages, since the novel will be written without characters or a setting, the experts proudly exclaimed that the book would have no words at all as words were inherently oppressive. Pictures too were equally problematic because the slightest color could remind someone of the day the popular cereal brand Oreo O’s was discontinued (the experts are aware the cereal has been brought back but want the reader to be cognizant of how the trauma of its initial discontinuation may still affect people today.) Instead, the book will be void of anything that could be construed to be something meaningful or identifiable, even pages themselves which may be harrowing reminders of paper cuts.  

The release date for the novel has yet to be set as the experts struggle to find an appropriate date; the first proposed release date of August 2nd has been contested because it is national second cousin day, which could be harmful to people whose second cousins only show up at Christmas and eat all the peanut butter cookies without asking if anyone else wants some. Debate is on-going and expected to continue well into the future. Experts urge readers to check back in six years, when a release date should be agreed upon by.

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