How to Properly Mooch Off Your Parents Now that You’re in College

So here’s your freshman guide to mooching properly while you’re away at college. (By definition, if you’re “Away at college” — and all of you are — you’re a mooch! So embrace moochism and don’t be a pussy about it.)

Say what you will, but your parents sent you off to college because they’re anxious to get you out of their house. They now have an “empty nest,” as parent-aged peoples call it, and you have free reign to do as you will. To account for what’s surely parental guilt, Bob and Deb probably gave ya an “emergency” credit card.

Here at college, “emergency” is a liberal term with no clear linguistic boundaries. So screw whatever regulations your parents put on said “emergency” credit card — they gave it to you so you won’t die, after all. But if you’re an out-of-state student who migrated to campus, like most students, they also gave you that magical piece of plastic swiper because they’re bloody loaded.

So here’s your freshman guide to mooching properly while you’re away at college. (By definition, if you’re “Away at college” — and all of you are — you’re a mooch! So embrace moochism and don’t be a pussy about it.) “Entitled millennials!” they’ll say, along with “Bah! Humbug!” and “Back in my day…” But selective hearing is a gift blessed unto you when your parents bore you.

I hate to break it you you, but Mom’s the master-Moocher of the clandestine kind. She didn’t tell you about or pay for that Brazilian for a reason.

Daddy’s loaded. Mom’s probably a leathery bag who carries around a leathery bag. (I hate to break it you you, but Mom’s the master-Moocher of the clandestine kind. She didn’t tell you about or pay for that Brazilian for a reason.) You think Mom’s guilty about it? Nope, she erased such sentiments partially through lying in a tanning bed too long, copious amounts of wine, but also by personal choice. You too must erase any guilt from your under-developed brain before it’s even seeded in your prefrontal cortex, like self-induced Alzheimer’s.

Even before you’re settled in on campus there will be a consistent source of parties to get turnt at. Don’t be a hoser and assume you’ll get your booze for free, so the safe bet is to take your own. You’ll make friends quick too. The first thing you’ll need is a fake ID. Most of you probably already have one you scalped from an older cousin or got from some video gaming virgin in high school. Pay for one in cash, and let Daddy’s lawyers worry about future violations.

Venmo will also be your friend!

Venmo will also be your friend and was specifically design so you could purchase illicit substances quickly and discreetly so as not to mess up your trip. For the most part, though, once you have a fake ID, just swipe that emergency shit wherever they’ll take it.

If Paps notices the emergency card’s been swiped, well, tailor your excuse to your own damn parents. “It was for food!” I’d say. “Food at1a.m.?” they’d inquire. “Late night studying… and coffee,” I’d retort. “No shit, he might pull this off after all,” Paps would probably say to Mom. Trust me, they’ll be impressed and it’ll buy you weeks of zero financial questions asked.

If, for some reason, your Pa is a real pain in the ass line-by-line itemization type of  guy, condoms were cough drops and birth control was ibuprofen. (The abortions don’t typically become “in demand” until Springtime, unless you’re particularly dumb and slutty. But hey, they fall under “emergency,” right?)

Other illicit substances one might indulge in or require if it’s finals are typically purchased from any student from Miami-Dade County. Use Venmo. And of course, Uber and Lyft are necessities and therefore emergencies, always. Just don’t be a Jake Croman, that’s a sure way to blow your own cover.

But most normal “students” won’t have to worry about that.

Thus goes the art of Moochism. Mooch on!

 

This satire piece is part of the “Welcome Back” project by Michigan Review staff writers and editors.

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