President Schlissel Announces the “Glassificaiton” of U-M

[Caption]:  Absolutely stunning photographic renditions of proposed renovations and additions to the Michigan Union and LSA Building, respectively.  Courtesy of the Blind Architects Association.

On March 17th, 2017, the University released even more obnoxious architectural renditions of planned renovations and additions for two of the most iconic buildings on Central Campus — the Michigan Union and LSA Building.  Even more remarkable, the University announced that these additions, as well as all future renovations to University property, will be constructed exclusively with glass.

“Glass is the way of the future,” remarked President Mark Schlissel after the announcement.  “Nothing complements a century-old brick masterpiece like a giant-ass slab of glass.”

In keeping with the traditions of previously modified campus buildings, including masterful additions to East Hall and the Grad Library, architects in charge of these new renovation projects explicitly endeavored to make their additions as incongruous and visually unappealing as possible.  “If our new additions aren’t blindingly obvious and poorly integrated, we’ve failed the students of this great University,” said one of the lead architects of the project.  “With glass, we can extend the life of our campus buildings while simultaneously making them look as s**tty as possible.”

The first of these renovation projects, beginning in 2018, will transform the Michigan Union from merely a convenient place to grab fast food on your way to class to a “state-of-the-art student social space” to grab fast food on your way to class.  With a modest price tag of $85 million, the project will expand lounge and study spaces for students, who have recently complained of a perceived lack of study space on campus.  Now, students across campus will have even more study options to forget about as they struggle to find a seat in the UGLi.

Additionally, the project will enclose the Union’s courtyard with an immaculate glass canopy.  When asked about their opinion of the project, one student commented, “wait, the Union has a courtyard?”

Alongside renovations to the Union, the University plans to add a giant “glass utopia” to the first floor of the LSA building.  This project serves to house the University’s new Opportunity Hub — a service for LSA students who’ve forgotten that the Career Center exists.  “Students need to be slapped across the face with redundant resources,” stated the program’s director.  “Without twelve competing offices for career services, how will students ever find work outside of college?  By themselves?  What a joke.”

Coming at the low, low cost of only $35 million, the University hopes its renovations to the LSA Building will remind students of its existence on campus.  “I can normally count the number of daily visitors to the building on one hand,” a student employee within the building commented.  “Now, I might be able to use both!”

These announcements come during the University’s bicentennial celebration, commemorating 200 years of Michigan arrogance across the globe.  When asked about how these renovations reflect Michigan’s proudly-held traditions, Schlissel proclaimed, “F**k tradition.  By the time I leave this office, every last building on this campus will look exactly like Ross.”

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