We Need to Overthrow Capitalism

Self-proclaimed economics and capitalism guru, Friedricha Engelson, violently convulsed in her Econ 101 lecture after her professor triggered her with a cogent understanding of competition in microeconomic theory.

Spilling vegan chai latte all over herself and her neighbors, Adamina reportedly woke up everyone in class. The professor noted that, “Friedricha’s distaste for competition is probably why she has a D in this class”, but was still delighted because he could use her as an example of a negative externality next lecture.

After recovering from her convulsions, Friedricha spoke out about the fascism in her class in an exclusive interview with The Michigan Review: “I swear, when he, like, started explaining free markets, my life flashed before my eyes.”

She resolved with another outraged student, Karla Marcs, to organize a march outside Lorch Hall to protest the pervasiveness of logic in academic culture. Wearing her favorite Canada Goose jacket as she led the march, Friedricha derided income inequality that capitalism and white men are responsible for as she held up a sign: “Capitalism = slavery”.

Soon though, her woke instincts kicked in and she realized that the equals sign is a logical symbol. Since logic, by its very nature, is a “patriarchal tool of oppression” she burned the sign and switched it out for her backup: “True Marxism has never been practiced.”

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