University of Michigan Professor of Chemistry Smol Molikyoos, who teaches advanced quantum chemical computational methods, was recently stumped by the dilemma of having to explain advanced chemical concepts only a professor would know how to explain to his class. Inspired by the willingness of fully-grown adults with actual university degrees to seek the gun policy expertise of high school students, Professor Molikyoos contacted 9th grader and that-one-kid-who-took-a-shit-on-the-playground-in-elementary-school, Charlie Jones, for help.
Upon arriving in the latest graphic tee from Abercrombie & Fitch, with “the most radical” skateboard in hand, and listening to some “good ass” music from his Beats headphones, Charlie fumbled with the unfamiliar piece of solidified white powder in the tray next to the black wall. He was also reportedly taken aback by the presence of more than 22 people in one classroom. “Wait, wait, wait…I don’t see the buttons. Is this big black thing against the wall a broken computer? Hold on, why are there so many students here?”
After being debriefed on chalk and large lecture halls, the 4’ 10” pre-pubescent guest lecturer stood on a stool because he couldn’t reach the top of the board. Charlie proceeded to explain how Spartan software can be used to model DNA nucleotides based on density functional theory in quartet core excited states to observe potential for DNA bond fragmentation before he realized he didn’t know what that was. Believing “Spartan” was referring to the ancient Greek warriors a.k.a. those really ripped dudes in “300”, Charlie showed the class his phone skin which was a picture of Gerard Butler’s erect left nipple. Several students in class were reportedly so traumatized they were sent to the ER to receive treatment for partial blindness.
Satisfied with his introductory lesson on Spartans and how “gnarly” they are, Charlie said he was available to answer any exam-related questions from 8 pm to 2 am on his Twitch channel xxXArmedWizardofDeathxxX and left on his skateboard with a “peace out, homies”. Professor Molikyoos, who was sitting in the front row, was impressed with Charlie’s poise under pressure and clear command of the subject matter. He gave himself a pat on the back and resolved to invite Charlie back for next week’s lecture on multi-scale modeling of complex biological systems.