High School Student Invited to Guest Lecture for Advanced Physical and Computational Chemistry Course

University of Michigan Professor of Chemistry Smol Molikyoos, who teaches advanced quantum chemical computational methods, was recently stumped by the dilemma of having to explain advanced chemical concepts only a professor would know how to explain to his class. Inspired by the willingness of fully-grown adults with actual university degrees to seek the gun policy […]

First Take: A Calm Voice in a Chaotic World

Today, in an era of fake news and alternative facts, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the news cycle. Whether it is Sean Hannity or Lawrence O’Donnell, pundits peddle their fears regarding what lies ahead. Today’s news cycle is, in a word, “blasphemous.” That is why I am endorsing the popular ESPN show First […]

Living in the Beloved Mitten

Living in Michigan is the best. We have been blessed by Mother Nature to have the best climate in all of the continental United States. I find it to be amazing that I can go into the library to study on a perfectly sunny, 60 degree day, and two hours later I can walk out […]

CSG Candidates Ousted as Body Doubles

Last week, Central Student Government announced the election of Daniel Green and Izzy Baer to the offices of President and Vice President, respectively.  To the astonishing 23.9 percent of students who had nothing better to do and decided to vote, their MVision platform kept true to campus virtues of sexual misconduct and circle-jerking around one […]

The Perfect Novel

A group of experts have come together to create the perfect novel for a new, politically correct and morally conscious age. The experts did not wish to be named as it would publicize their success which could lead some viewers to feel inadequate for not thinking of the novel first.  Thus, their anonymity will allow […]

We Need to Overthrow Capitalism

Self-proclaimed economics and capitalism guru, Friedricha Engelson, violently convulsed in her Econ 101 lecture after her professor triggered her with a cogent understanding of competition in microeconomic theory. Spilling vegan chai latte all over herself and her neighbors, Adamina reportedly woke up everyone in class. The professor noted that, “Friedricha’s distaste for competition is probably […]

Pope Francis Issues Unexpected Exhortation, Admits to Superiority of Protestant Movement

Pope Francis issued an unexpected apostolic exhortation today titled Merdae Cumulus. The exhortation may be the most momentous action coming from the Seat of Peter in recorded history. Beginning with Church appointments and new canonizations; after the Holy See’s most recent debacle with the Sovereign Military Order of Malta, Pope Francis decided to remove Albrecht […]

President Schlissel Announces the “Glassificaiton” of U-M

[Caption]:  Absolutely stunning photographic renditions of proposed renovations and additions to the Michigan Union and LSA Building, respectively.  Courtesy of the Blind Architects Association. On March 17th, 2017, the University released even more obnoxious architectural renditions of planned renovations and additions for two of the most iconic buildings on Central Campus — the Michigan Union […]