In an unprecedented move earlier in the week, teenage heartthrob Zayn Malik decided to leave the boy band One Direction. The Michigan Review can now officially confirm rumors that Malik has indeed joined ISIS. He arrived in Homs, Syria early Wednesday morning, eager to begin his new life as a jihadi.
According to an ISIS spokesperson speaking from an undisclosed cave near the Kurdistani border, Malik will be featured in trendy new intros and outros in the terrorist group’s propaganda videos. “We are excited to have Malik on board, and we feel that as a singer he can The spokesperson cited the need for recruiting more women, particularly as concubines for the new jihadis.”
Malik, he hoped, would draw in promising fangirls. The British heartthrob grew up not the most devout Muslim in East Bowling, south of Bradford. His father is from a Muslim background. When asked about their son’s recent flight to Syria, his mother told the Review that she will always be proud of her son:
“I will of course miss Zeezee, but I know that even if I won’t get to watch him performing Midnight Memories on the television, I might still get to see him in the next beheading video.”
Malik reportedly had a spiritual awakening after attending lectures given by Sheikh Anjum Chaudhary of London. Chaudhary denounced music as a sin, and Malik’s self-worth was shattered. He began attending classes with Chaudhary, becoming so enamored with the words of the radical imam that he sometimes tattooed them onto his bicep, next to the skull and crossed bones that he got some time ago.
“Sometimes he would just come up to me after class and cry onto my shoulder, that’s how moved he was,” says Chaudhary, his beard quivering with pride.
That was only the start of the journey for The Bradford Bad Boy. He began openly supporting ISIS at the start of March, swearing allegiance to the caliph around that time.
After learning that under ISIS’s literalist interpretation of the Quran, he would be allowed to buy as many fangirls as he wanted, Malik’s decision was made.
Still, his flight to ISIS has been embroiled in controversy. Muslims in Britain cite concerns that his move to jihadism will fan the flames of Islamophobia. Said the imam of a Hampshire mosque, “As a big One Direction fan myself, and a Muslim, I’ve never been too fond of ISIS.”