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"Angell Hall": Central campus academic building characterized by big white pillars, 24-hour operation, communist janitors, and English professors that have plush offices who choose to meet for office hours at hippy hang-outs instead.
"Ann Arbor": AKA the People's Republic of, 27 square miles surrounded by reality. A shell of a Midwestern city taken over by the University of Michigan and "1960's era" hippies. Also, a city that sees more major events come through than any small college town is entitled to.
"The Arb", AKA "Nichols Arboretum": Beautiful "living museum" of plants, trails, and fields located near the University Hospital. Characterized by couples on dates making out, sketchy old guys masturbating behind trees, and ROTC jungle training lab on Thursday nights (dudes in camo crawling around in silly patterns). The Arb has the rare distinction of being a favorite hangout of the Unabomber during his University days.
"Assholes": See BAMN, MSA, Fraternities, Sororities, The Michigan Review, see also the College Republicans.
"B-School": The University of Michigan Business School. Characterized by caffeine-wired, anal retentive individuals that are panicking about their futures because of the recession. Their new building consists of a massive foyer, too many touchscreens, and an unnecessary gym for BBA students. Watch out for food poisoning from their cafeteria, though.
"BAMN": The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action (and integration, and to stop the racist war in [insert country here] and whatever else they feel like adding in that week) By Any Means Necessary. A collection of revolutionary communists and Detroit high school students who get off on causing trouble and intimidating students around campus.
"BTB": Home of the cheap, delicious Mexican food that attracts the most drunk and most stoned kids Ann Arbor has to offer. Only visit between 11:00 pm and 4:00 am.
"BTB Cantina": Your favorite burritos, now with alcohol. Located above Good Time Charley's on South University, the cantina opened in 2007 to the excitement of all. The margaritas are cheap and you can even get high-end tequila shots. Needless to say, spectacular.
"Blue Book": An exam style purported to test your knowledge of material, but actually a great way to work on writing really, really quickly.
"Buffalo Wild Wings": Now established on campus for several years, this is *the* place to watch the game. Cheapest beer on campus.
"Bursley AKA BurLodge/Baits": North campus residence halls which, despite boasting the best cafeteria in Housing, are also characterized by many lonely nights of hating not being on central campus and many pissed off mornings of missing the bus. In Baits, watch out for the shared refrigerators…you only think that was your meatloaf.
"College Democrats": People who support collagen injections as a tool for political advancement. Worshiped Obama during the 2008 Presidential campaign creating a cult of personality on campus. Now that Dems control the White House and Congress, they don't know what to do with themselves.
"College Libertarians": College Republicans that want legalized pot, and don't sing Pat Greenwood songs with old ladies in red dresses.
"College Republicans": A toolbox concerned with pushing issues in the slowly dying Republican platform, many of whom will reach great heights in politics by kissing mucho ass. For example, drain commissioner and zoning board are reachable goals. See also, Assholes.
"cTools": University website that professors love to use in order to hold you accountable for your work 24/7 (papers due online by 6am for example). Has a propensity to crash during finals time so you can't view the power point slides the night before exams.
"Dance Marathon": The happiest people on earth, and yes Disney was lying. Campus group that hosts 30 hour marathon for Mott's Hospital every year that will have you so sick of community service by the end that you'll push a child into the street.
"Diag": Harassment capital of the world. Characterized by Festifall, Diag Preacher screaming "You're going to hell", SOLE protests, fraternity guys playing kindergarten games during Greek Week, Holocaust name reading marathon, and hot girls in the spring time.
"Diversity": The quality of possessing difference. In University speak, this means a quantitative value corresponding directly to the number of "underrepresented" minorities attending. For example, a class with 100% Black, Hispanic, and Native American students would be considered 100% "diverse," while a class of 24% Asian Republicans, 41% White Green Party members, and 35% Indian Democrats all of whom belong to a variety of religions and socio-economic backgrounds and have varying sexual orientations would be considered 0% "diverse."
"DPS": Department of Public Safety. As you will learn from the Daily Crime Notes, they have no suspects…ever…really.
"Econ 101": A weeder class required for B-school admissions whose tests scarcely have anything to do with the study of economics. Only take if necessary.
"Espresso Royale": Known for their conspicuous advocacy of fair trade coffee, the coffee king is the main competitor of Starbucks on campus. Home of the tragically hip indie kids and graduate students holding office hours.
"Every Three Weekly": A spin-off of The Michigan Review humor section published through the University Activities Center. Watch the stupid kid next to you in class think that Nick Sheridan really did cause the Holocaust. Also defeated by the Review staff in the first annual football game last year.
"Facebook": The most technologically advanced way to just *almost* hook up, and everybody's favorite distraction from papers. Also, a sure GPA-killer.
"Fish Bowl": Angell Hall's indoor computing site. Characterized by large glass windows, parents peering through the windows during campus tours, people walking around for hours on end trying to find just one damn open computer, and rampant un-productivity due to sorority-girl-social-hour and high-pitched laughing by the Asian kids at 3am.
"Fraternities:" Groups of men who spend $500 a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply rented friends, date-rape drugs, and membership to a group identified by Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See also, assholes.
"Gargoyle": The University's official monthly humor magazine, which no longer comes out monthly, was never humorous, and no longer sells for a dollar. Per issue, the Michigan Review is winning the contest as a funnier publication, which says something because we aren't a humor magazine.
"GEO": The Graduate Student Instructors' union that stands in *solidarity* with virtually every other left-wing cause imaginable. Characterized by unkempt clothes, scruffy hair, and office hours at Espresso Royale. Always seem to be asking for raises or more healthcare benefits. See also, assholes.
"Hobo": The homeless, and "NO! 25 cents is not good enough." In Ann Arbor, the bums ask for $2 and don't even invite you up to their apartment for a beer. The West Hall arch reeks from this trade, and watch your garbage for daily can collections.
"In and Out": A party store-get your mind out of the gutter. Good late night pizza.
"Jaywalking": This term does not exist here, you asshole pedestrians.
"Jimmy John's": Located now on all four corners of the Diag, they have reduced college students use of the cook stove to the occasional "warming up my Jimmy John's in the oven" use. And yes the smells are free.
"KerryTown": Where 1960's era hippies hang out. Ann Arbor shopping district.
"Liberal": The haunting fear that somebody somewhere can help themselves.
"Main Street": The general location of restaurants and stores specifically designed for parents to take their cheap students to on visits.
"Mary Sue Coleman": President of the University of Michigan. She earns more than half a million bucks to run around campus muttering the word "diversity" to herself over and over. Also, she feels really really really bad about being white.
"The Michigan Daily": A group of mostly white, upper-middle-class students who put out a poorly written newspaper every day about how white, upper-middle-class students are oppressing people at the University. They've never met a walk-out they didn't like and their cartoonists are starting kindergarten art this fall.
"The Michigan League": The once-segregated hangout for women on campus, it curiously hosts almost all Republican-affiliated events on campus. Also, where The Michigan Review office is located.
"The Michigan Review": A diverse group of women, minorities, and lower-middle class and poor students who put out a hard-hitting journal of commentary and analysis every two weeks with a commitment to logic and truth so unyielding that we're the assholes.
"The Michigan Union": Central student center filled with the joys of Panda Express and the most profitable Subway in the country.
"Morlocks": 1. Creatures in an H.G. Wells novel, who never saw the light of day, dwelt in caves, glowed in the dark from lack of exposure to light, and consumed human flesh to live. 2. Residents of East Quad
"MSA": The student assembly of the University of Michigan. A college version of a student council the group claims to be able to do many things for students, usually around election time, and generally fails to produce anything of substance beyond "development" conferences and other perks for themselves. Also implements resolutions calling for the cease of violence in Gaza. See also, assholes.
"North Campus": Beautiful sprawling campus of advanced academic facilities and residence halls. With Panda Express on central campus, it has completely lost its relevance. See also, boring and far away from everything.
"Parking": Like "jaywalking," this term does not exist in Ann Arbor either.
"Pizza House": The unofficial restaurant of the University of Michigan student body. See also, overrated, overpriced, open until 4am, and/or cheesy bread rocks.
"Proposal Two": 2006 ballot proposal in Michigan that eliminated U-M's affirmative action program. Accused of threatening "diversity" on campus even though admissions rates for minorities have been stagnant and organizations catered to women and minority students still exist. Source of resentment for Mary Sue Coleman and basically every administrator on campus.
"Pop": The correct term for the sweetened caffeinated beverage which all you East-coasters might refer to as soda, a popular baking ingredient.
"Psych 111": Blow-off class…take this.
"Rich Rodriguez": Fearless leader of the football team, taking the Maize and Blue to an impressive 3-9 record last year. Things to expect in the upcoming year: another Ohio State loss, more optimistic press conferences, and complete happiness from toothless West Virginia football fans.
"Rick's": Though you won't get there until junior year, this is probably the hottest bar on campus. Near Pizza House. It's where you'll have your twenty-first birthday until you throw up.
"Shaman Drum": A fire trap of a local bookstore with a quasi-monopoly on books for the social sciences. Avoid at all costs by looking for textbooks on Amazon or some other website.
"Snow": White frozen stuff that falls to the ground in Michigan for the majority of your education here. Also used in the annual South Quad versus West Quad snowball fight.
"SOLE": A student group for rich, white kids with liberal guilt. Members help alleviate the stress of being rich and white by campaigning for workers' rights at the most ridiculous levels and advocating communism whenever possible to spite their parents and damn the man.
"Sororities": Groups of women who spend $500 a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply rented slutty friends, the right to get drunk and screw frat boys, and membership to a group identified by Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See also, assholes.
"Stephen M. Ross": Uber-rich real estate philanthropist that has donated an athletic academic center (which is always empty) and $500 million new business school building.
"Sun": A large ball of flaming gas in the sky that disappears sometime in October and returns just in time for girls to wear tank tops and Dominick's to open in April.
"University Towers": An apartment complex on the corner of South U and South Forest. Wins the award for sending the most irritating emails to try and get student renters.
"Village Corner": Convenience store characterized by freaks that will take your fake ID…and sometimes, your real one.
"Zingerman's": A world-famous deli, most notable for its $15 sandwiches and bread as hard as a rock. But the food is delicious, and it's a place you want to have your parents take you.
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