Congratulations Class of 2013! We have been awaiting your arrival because of your (money/vote for Obama/love for diversity) that you bring to our community. You have chosen to come to the University of Michigan, a special place where (indoctrination/asking you for more money/mediocre teaching) will happen during your next four years. I wish to thank you and your family for being here, and for your (money/joining our cult/being just another one of our followers of diversity).
Make sure to explore the University's (diversity/minorities/love for Obama) while you are here. Get to know your professors. They are (close-minded leaders/self-aggrandizing elders/crazy liberals) that will broaden your horizons. They are here for (you/a hundred thousand dollar paycheck/free parking in Ann Arbor). They truly hope you visit their office hours, because they are (socially awkward/very lonely/need a new friend). Your professors are eager to hear your thoughts on (social justice/liberalism/anti-capitalism) and will engage you with their (liberal idealism/love for Obama/pointless stories). They are accomplished in their fields and are (crazy/intelligent/arrogant).
(Pauses briefly and adjusts glasses, as eyes pretend to mist over at the thought of diversity)
Open your eyes to the University and the wonderful (Obama t-shirts/liberalism/diversity) around you. After your first day of classes, make sure to visit my home for the yearly Open House tea between 3:30 and 5. I would love to (meet you/get this over with/hear how much you like diversity) at my (taxpayer funded mansion/ palace/secret gathering place). I am looking forward to (getting this over with/seeing how many students have been indoctrinated/drinking taxpayer funded tea). As the oldest building on campus, dating back to 1839, I cherish living here (like hell I really live there/I really live in a home on the beach/donate my home to Ann Arbor bums-haha, didn't think your taxpayer dollars were going to them did you?).
During your time here, be sure to go to a football game. It is a unique experience, and (we are obliged to love it/our endowment comes from football/wish we did not always have to talk about our damn football team in these speeches). It is a tradition unlike that at any other University, one that we hold with (angst/resentfulness that academics don't matter more/mild amusement).
We take much pride in discovering and sharing knowledge at the University of Michigan. Your professors will be your greatest advocates and they (really don't like many of you/like the word "diversity"/don't speak English). They too, believe that diversity matters at the University of Michigan. This means that you (will feel guilty for your social status/will get A's if you are diverse/should change your name to something that sounds diverse). Even though much debate surrounds Proposal 2, we will press on as we create a diverse and welcoming campus.
We have so much to share with you. I hope you will sign up for a course that is (not filled/liberal/a race and ethnicities requirement). Your professors are excited to teach you their theories, and their expertise. Your professors have been chosen to lecture here based on their combined expertise, research, and (love for diversity/correct answer to our "diversity" interview question/diverse physical appearance).
Your opportunities will be endless at the University of Michigan, and so is your potential. We hope you will (give more money to the University/become a liberal/love diversity) by the time you graduate from this vibrant University filled with rich diversity. We hope you will cherish your four years at the University of Michigan, and will grow as a person. I would like to welcome you, and (say something insightful/sound sincere/tell you how much I love diversity).
Welcome, and go (blue/diversity)! -Mary Sue "The Prez" Coleman
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